We had a love that we could not deny.
A love that we had to hide.
Secrets between you and I.
Kept only under the covers.
A love that was gone the moment you left
A short term memory that did not last
Hurt that can not be erased
Used and abused until the burden was to great to hold
Love overcome by tears
Goodbye my secret friend
Mr. oh yeah i will alright…..I will fill your head with empty promises…and false hope. I will take your hopes and dreams and toss them to the side. I will pretend to care just so I can use and abuse. oh yeah I will…I will be thoughtless and careless. I will forget about your emotions and well being. I will choose to remain the same. I will bounce as a chameleon without a care for no one but me. Carry on Mr. oh yeah I will. I will not let you in.
Down with despair…the door closes…darkness sets in..consumed by emptiness…In corner of an eye a slow almost unseen light is found….A soft knock is heard….Focus shifts…all attention is on the door…..a slow unsteady movement of hesitation to make a stand….Shakely but gracefully edging towards the door…..cautious hand gives a gentle shove…..Light pours in ….hope restored.
The day, the week the month has been tiresome. Feet up as a sound of a moment of relief runs in the background. Her body proof of the efforts she makes. Her mind gone and done with the events of time. Dreams and unrealistic realities of what could be. Stresses melted away by money taken easily for granted. Home that effortlessly remains spotless and undaunted. Children tamed by comfort of spoiled intentions. Perfection at its finest. Problems that do not exist living in a land of OZ. She eases herself up and as if being dragged clumsily finds her way to the only escape and relief she has. The heat of the water slowly creeps over her and washes every dream and worry away, to a moment of peace.
All started about 11 years ago. I had met him through work. Most of our friendship was just a friendly work relationship. He was also mutual friends with my now ex-husband. Took me awhile after that divorce before I figured out he was part of the reason behind our divorce. During the early stages of this friendship I had gotten to know his family. His wife and kids when he brought them to America. Also through our many conversations about them. Even after my divorce I remained in contact. And they considered me part of the family. I didn’t question their religion and they did not question mine. I felt that we were friends and I loved and cared for them as I would my own. I thought I had did well on keeping that line drawn in the sand.
My African friend after 10 years of friendship decided he wanted to change that one day. He had kissed me at work. I did not kiss him back. I pushed him away and told him we needed to talk. We were afraid of others that we worked with would see us together and start drama where it didn’t need to be started. Out of complete ignorance I had agreed to meet him in a hotel room. I held a lot of respect for this man. I honestly thought we could have a actual sit down conversation. I was wrong. I have never told a man no so many times in my life. I won the fight in the hotel room that night. I did not have sex with him. What came later on become a battle of a love and hate relationship. Muslim verses Christian in and out of the bedroom. If you ever had to imagine a relationship like this. or if you have done any reading on how they treat women. You would have down word for word. Your only purpose is for sex. Whether it be forced or whatever means. You are nothing to them but an object. Now I have seen women with a history of abuse that seem to enjoy this type of relationship. But it was not for me…made that clear from the beginning. Does not matter once they claim you. Sadly these insecure African Women are raised to accept this kind of behavior and raised to have no worth. They do as their husbands say and do whatever makes them happy. If you retaliate they will hurt you. I found that out the hard way on my many attempts to get out. Yes I have been harmed by this man. These men are taught to control these women by all means….becomes a situation where these woman have no freedom. They are forced to live with these abusive degrading, cheating men. That is here in america that this is going on? If they do not live under these conditions because of their rank in the church…they will have to leave their children and families behind. Luckily this man has not had anything to do with my kids. And my kids are strongly advised to stay away from him. I on the other hand am not out of the woods quite yet. To all american women be strongly advised to be prepared to pack your bags and start a new life somewhere where you can’t be found. These men will not marry you…they do not care about you…and it will not be a good life…promise …as humble and convincing these men can be…..stay away.
I have 11 years of stories to share and will be posting them when i can and getting more personal and behind the scenes with this. Hope you all follow and please share you comments and stories!
I loved with everything I could , with the little I had to work with
I treasured you, I adored you, you were my everything
I never imagined that your love would cost me so much
to the point that you become so weak and become nothing
I held you so high,gave you credit that you did not deserve
thankful for finally after all these years that you showed me who you
The tears I cried were not because I was hurt, It was out of sadness for such a
heartless cruel man
You carried on for years like this, wiser beyond my years but yet you never learned
how to truely love. You use and abuse, take advantage of the innocent
I loved until I could love no more, I have let you go my love
I sometimes cry out through the chaos
Just let me breathe
I sometimes in the moments of boredom ask
Just get me going
I sometimes in the fits of anger wish
Just make me calm
I sometimes in the deeps of depression
Just want to be happy
I sometimes in embracement with true moments of peace
Just run with contentment
Jumbled hours in a day
Demands and emotions flying high
Confusion every corner turned
Solutions coming out of nowhere
Smoke rising from the burnt
Nonstop rings and knocks
Fights unstoppable and inevitable
Escaping to find moment of solitude
Why do you not answer me? We talk …I pray almost everyday. Tears over the madness of this world today? The inhumanity of society today. We fight of the anger and hostility of strangers among us? Dear god where are you? Are you even listening? Do you hear my cries? Do you hear the words I’m saying to you? Answer me dear god? Why the suffering? Why the hurt? Wheres the happiness? Where is the freedom? Where are the blessings that so many need and deserve? Have you gotten to busy god? We are not talking just me here dear god? What about all those we talk about? Answer me please dear god?
What if there were no boundaries?
What if anything actually was possible?
What if you could have all that you wanted?
What if there were no secrets or skeletons?
What if love wasn’t so complicated?
What if life was easy?
What if there was no rich vs poor?
What if honesty wasn’t an option?
What if there was no such thing as pain?
What if integrity was mandatory?
What if you had plenty of time?
What if were we all actually treated the same?